My inner demons
(The Column)

Today I launched UT2004.exe to play some public games, which I usually do every day. It ended as many times before, with me quitting after less than five minutes.
Itís not that I donít like the game, cause I really do, but there is a thing in my head called pride which just doesnít want to loose. I am one of those people who canít stand losing, that part of my brain is active in whatever I decide to do, if itís a fun game of cards with my friends or Just a random public server in UT2004. So even at public games I get pissed if I donít win, but most of all Iím pissed cause I am not as good As I used to be. After coming back from my inactivity I understand how it can be to play Unreal games when you are not at the top of the game, Itís hard, really hard.
I think itís twice that hard for players like me, returning to the scene after being inactive for so long and have high hopes on you. You expect way too much of yourself and that causes bad thoughts which leads to less motivation. Right now I am struggling, I have been playing pretty actively for a few months now, but still Iím nowhere near my old skill level. A big part of that is because I canít find the motivation to practice,practice,practice like the golden boy of FPS gaming, fatal1ty. When I started with UT I used to practice,practice,practice just cause of the fun of it, you learned something each day. Today every little thing is in my head, but not on my fingers, maybe I am getting too old?

If we take a game like Warcraft III for example, loosing here only makes a pain which last 10 seconds, you realize you lost so you disconnect, that is Just the way you do there. If you donít disconnect then your enemy will flame you. Now if I would do that in a practice 1on1 match in UT2004 I would get flamed to death even if I were under with 20-30 frags. The thing in UT2004 is that you get that constant irritation every time you die, so if you get totally owned you basically swear like 20-40 times (Depends on how many deaths you get) While in Warcraft III you Just get pissed at the end when you have realised you are defeated. This way you can overcome this anger more easily, so after this you are set to go for a new match within minutes.

Now I have found myself a new home, where I will hopefully stay for a long time, struggling with my inner demons. I will certainly do my best to return to my old skill level, but as for now my main priority is to have fun, as it was the reason for beginning with gaming in the first place.

I want to thank inner Turbulence for taking me into their team, may we have many good times to come


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Posted: 2005/02/20 - 15:56

Not really satisfied with this, but hey I had to publish it since itīs been laying around for some time.

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 15:59

i know it just to well, only way is just to keep on figting : /

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 16:06

Eh wasnt it you tewic that said you could play as good as normal even if you took a break for a year and that it should still be in your head etc etc... admitting you were wrong ? ;)

btw i am feeling the same way. Gonna play only pubs the few next day. Never thought I would do that.

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 16:21

i can somewhat agree with you about public playing hist, but its not about the "honor in my head" as you call it, its more of that ut2k4 public just aint so fun imo, if i wanna play a better public match i fire up UT or maybe Q3 if i can actually ever happen to actually connect to a q3 ffa server :)

and yeh, the main part is to have fun... if i dont have any fun, i just simply wont play, coz then i play like shit (:


Posted: 2005/02/20 - 16:37

Play some mode you never play, like Bombing Run or's refreshing for a change, and since you won't have high expectations you might end up having more fun.

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 17:39

hhe I couldnt agree more Hist, losing vs peeps you consider worthless sucks SO BAD,

My tip is to play against enemies you admire and just knows you will loose from, then if you loose you wont feel a thing, if you win you will dance.

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 17:47

Poor Hist, well you are not alone. Very few of us are at the "top" and though I never been even halfway there I think we have the same feeling. Sometimes when you play everything works and you are focused. It is a lovely feeling and then when you get these dips it is soo frustrating because you remember those times when everything feelt so easy.
But I still play, maybe because I have nothing else to do or maybe because I want to feel that "perfect" feeling again. It is a quest for utter perfection, maybe like those munks in Shao-Lin want. Most of us will never get there but we still strive for it.

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 18:01

jink you dont develop and improve if ur on a break ;), get my point ? :P

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 18:24

"but still Iím nowhere near my old skill level" and "Today every little thing is in my head, but not on my fingers, maybe I am getting too old?" but still you agree with him?

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 18:56

amen jink :S

didnt said what i did agree to, most the things he wrote i did agree on..., ok lets not spam this thread, like we have done before..

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 19:04

uh yeah i like that some cant stand losing to me! i was noobilishious for a very long time, and still im not -that good- tbh, but anyway, spanking players that once spanked me is lovely, its like a digital orgasm.

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 19:38

"and still im not -that good- tbh" - agree brutto, couldnt have said better myself, u still suck. This is my riot against the all time


im highskill

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 19:40

lewl, by accident i pushed add your comment, and now i cant delete. skillz

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 21:10

Forget the skill and have fun instead, come and play ctf for a while :D

I've played this game for a couple of years now and most of the newer players have past me in skill but i still have fun when i play.(sometimes i get mad ofc but that's the game).
Like Buri said, try something else for a change it can't hurt ;)

gl and hf Hist!

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 22:12

I agree with Nagash:)
And with you too in some way Hist.
Main thing is " donīt forget to have fun" :-)

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 22:30

Hist, buddy, I just know some shit that maybe will work for you and all of the peeps that are afraid of losing to noobs in some lagged public server in a random monday night.

First of all, act like you dont care, even if you win, there is somethink you can improve or change. Perfection is not a sprint, but more of a maraton. Few people realize this and they get stuck over and over again, strainning their inner mind with degrading toughs. You're fucking up your mind because of some proud bullshit, its not worth the time! The more you will gain proud in winning, the more it will suffer in each loss.
The worst drawback of being proud is stoping ourselfs of improving. If you think, 'I can time all the stuff, I'm relly good' , you'll never learn new stuff. There is a diference between personal confidence and being blind proud though.
Being afraid is also a step back attitude, its running there on your mind, where there could be another weapon/item pickup time. Dont whine because of your foolishness mistakes, notice the error and move along, or else, your piling bad feelings above bad feeling. Like all beings on earth we look for satisfaction and not feeling bad. You must accept that you're not the number one at UT2k4 and being proud only brings : envi, arrogance, indiference and ignorance.

The pride never is justified, based on an bad evaluation of itself or a temporary and superficial success. We must remember to us of its negative effect. We must take conscience of our defects and our limits, and to give account to us of that we are not different of those of who we though we were superiors.

But, what the hell do I know =)

Posted: 2005/02/20 - 23:31

Hi Strong!

Very good reading. I miss u my friend ;) When will u come back and play UT2kx with us?

@ Hist: Been there having those thoughts too. Believe me, just try to relax and not give so much importance to the game. It will make u feel better everytime u play the game!


Posted: 2005/02/21 - 19:30

Well I know the feeling, you should just disconnect from the server and go find a noobserver and get easy wicked sick there instead. You will hit more cool shots than on in example, not some german shocking you 10x in a row with 5 ping, even though it will be "wrong" it helps ease your mind. It's hard when people you consider noobs suddenly have become better than you (at the moment atleast), this is why people do and don't switch games. I come from UT99, top player there, then I finally made the choice to move on because I was tired of playing regularly to stay on top. I've found myself losing (by large margin) in ut2k4 to people who were utterly shit (sorry about language) in ut99, and that is hard for the ego to swallow, but as I started accepting it, massive motivation of becoming good in this game aswell starts to come. UT2k4 is a fun game after all, but it's different from most fps because you can reach so far by having only minesweeper skills (I mean aiming, 2d aiming), while "prediction shots" are generally ineffective depending on your opponent's style ofcourse. I like games which demand more depth of skill, where you must be close to perfect with every weapon to be anywhere near good, but this game is also cool because you must become the best aimer. Look at older pro cpma players, it's quite different. But this is heading off. Thing I dislike is that you can't go frantic and attack from a distance because most likely your opponent will hit you atleast 5 times with the shock beam before you can get to him. This is why I think it's annoying to play public, always someone will have an unfair advantage on you (unless you are that one person). Hm, I think I'm losing the point by far but to sum it all up, I think every good player knows exactly what you mean, hist, you'll just have to try make the best out of it.

Keep having fun :)

Posted: 2005/02/22 - 12:23

publics are just the suck! its randomnes at its best, and even if you pwn the hood it doesnt mean you play good, and its the same when you loose: doesnt mean youre playing bad. its all about luck if you hit someone with some weapons if he dies or not and itemtiming which i personally consider as teh lame on publics, but wihtout that you wont get nowhere... so better stop thinking about how you play but JUST PLAY! if you such and you think about it, youll suck even more, just dont mind it and go on

Posted: 2005/02/23 - 19:29

I exactly feel the same way, I CAN'T lose any game... when i lose to whatever i get mad and I whine for myself :/ less in teamgame than 1v1 i admit, becuz in 1v1 if u lose, u r really the weaker.. :x

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